Identifying & overcoming toxic traits in yourself & others

What are toxic traits, and why should I be concerned about them?

Toxic traits are negative characteristics or behaviors that harm oneself and others. These traits, such as manipulation, dishonesty, and excessive criticism, can poison relationships, hinder personal growth, and create hostile environments. Toxic traits often stem from unresolved emotional issues or learned behaviors. Identifying and addressing these traits in oneself and others is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and promoting personal well-being. Recognizing toxic patterns is the first step towards positive change and creating a more supportive, nurturing atmosphere.

What are some examples of toxic traits?

Examples of common toxic traits include:

• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Conflict avoidance
• Constant negativity
• Toxic positivity
• Self-centeredness
• Lying and manipulation
• Destructive criticism
• Gaslighting
• Abusive or controlling behavior
• Incivility

Identifying toxic people takes emotional intelligence by using your subjective judgment. Remember that you're just as prone to cognitive biases and poor judgment as anyone else. When you're on the receiving end of someone's poor behavior, it's easy to let your emotions take over and cloud your viewpoint.

That said, if someone's displaying certain negative traits repeatedly over time, you can be fairly certain that it's a toxic trait. And with well-developed emotional intelligence, you'll be better equipped to deal with them.

1. Passive aggression

Passive-aggressive behavior is when someone tries to express their anger or frustration indirectly instead of communicating openly.

For example, a passive-aggressive coworker might make sneaky comments about your work instead of telling you directly that they think it's subpar. Or, if you're in a relationship with someone who's passive-aggressive, they might start sulking instead of telling you directly that they're upset.

If you've got housemates who have a dispute with you, they'll leave snooty notes around the house for you to find - "please do NOT use my coffee jar again!" It's usually a sign of a poor relationship or an inability to express emotions properly. It also goes hand in hand with the next toxic trait.

2. Conflict avoidance

Conflict avoidance occurs when people go to great lengths to avoid confrontation. They'll do anything possible to keep the peace, even sacrificing their needs or beliefs.

This often happens in toxic relationships. The conflict-avoidant person will tolerate a lot of bad behavior because they don't want things to get messy or uncomfortable. As many people will know, this only leads to further resentment down the line.

They may also fear abandonment, so they'll stay in harmful relationships just to ensure that they won't be left alone. If you avoid conflict, ask yourself whether your fear is worth more than your happiness. Sometimes, taking action is the best step.

3. Constant negativity

If someone is always negative, critical, and unsupportive, they exhibit a toxic trait.

This kind of person can bring down the mood in any situation. They might have a pessimistic outlook on life or be hypercritical of others.

They might also frequently complain, often about things out of their control. And instead of offering constructive feedback, they'll shoot down anyone's ideas, no matter how good they are.

These people can be hard to work with and affect team performance. Sometimes, they're just set in their ways, and perhaps they aren't even aware of their negativity.

4. Toxic positivity

While constant negative behavior can certainly wear others down, the other end of the spectrum, toxic positivity, can be just as oppressive and harmful.

Research shows that frequently suppressing negative emotions decreases mental health and emotional wellness. Workplaces are increasingly fueled by positivity and positive thinking, which can be a good thing. However, a fine line needs to be maintained so your team feels psychologically safe enough to speak up when something is genuinely wrong.

If you hear managers or colleagues dismissing other team members' concerns or even saying something as seemingly innocuous as "stay positive and you'll feel better" when replying to a legitimate concern, it's time to step in.

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5. Self-centeredness and arrogance

This is one of the most recognizable toxic traits. Arrogance and self-centredness are two sides of the same coin.

Arrogant people think highly of themselves to the point where they feel better than everyone else. They might have an inflated sense of their own importance and see themselves above others in ability and worth.

They might show a lack of empathy and only care about their own needs. In a work context, this can make them very difficult to manage - they might not listen to directions or feedback and will only do things their way.

This trait can cause all kinds of problems in a personal relationship. If your partner always puts themselves first, they're not going to be very good at meeting your needs. And if they think they're better than you, it's only a matter of time before they start treating you badly.

Professional success that is achieved with self-centredness shows destructive behavior. People like this sometimes use their unusually high self-confidence to climb the career ladder rapidly.

These are also key traits of narcissism, a recognized personality disorder that should only be diagnosed by a psychology expert.

6. Lying and manipulation

We're all guilty of telling the occasional lie sometimes.

A dishonest person does it constantly, to the detriment of those around them. A mental health professional might label someone like this a pathological liar.

Psychologists typically connect someone's childhood and upbringing as factors that can impact their tendency to lie as an adult. And having toxic parents certainly has an impact, too. If you notice that someone lies a lot, it usually takes a sensitive approach to discuss their behavior.

Sometimes, all it takes is some honest communication between you to get on the same page.

7. Destructive criticism

Destructive criticism occurs when someone makes negative comments about someone else with the intention of hurting them. It could be a personal attack or an undermining remark about their work.

It's often disguised as helpful feedback, but it's anything but. The person delivering the criticism doesn't care about the recipient - all they're interested in is putting them down and making themselves feel superior.

If you're receiving destructive criticism, your best bet is to remove yourself from that situation as quickly as possible. Distance yourself emotionally and mentally, and don't entertain their nonsense.

8. Gaslighting

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Have you ever been in a situation where you start doubting your own memory or perception of events? That's gaslighting.

It's a psychological form of emotional manipulation in which the person gaslighting tries to make you question your reality so that they can assert their own.

It's a subtle, long-term tactic that abusers often use to maintain control over the other person. It's especially effective on less assertive people.

One form of gaslighting could be that you are suddenly left out of important meetings which involve you. Or they accuse you of making mistakes that you know you didn't make.

In romantic relationships, the gaslighter might try to sugarcoat toxic situations while making you feel like you're overreacting.

It can take emotional awareness to identify when this is happening. You might even need to seek the advice of a nonbiased person to weigh in.

Responding to gaslighting at work can be challenging. Preparing before confronting the situation is essential. Prepare yourself mentally to respond to gaslighting in the moment so you can maintain your composure.

You might also need to gather evidence (think paper trails from emails) to support your claims. Then, discuss them with a supervisor.

9. Abusive or controlling behavior

Abusive or controlling behavior can take many different forms. It could be threats, physical violence, manipulation tactics, or psychological aggression.

Either way, it's a sign that the person exhibiting this behavior is not in a good emotional place. They're using their power to control and dominate the other person. There are good and bad types of power, and this is a bad one.

If you're being abused or controlled by someone, get help immediately.

If this happens in your professional life, tell someone in management what's going on as soon as possible.

In your personal life, you could get advice from friends, family, a therapist, a coach, law enforcement, charities, and government services.

Remember, even if it doesn't seem too bad, make sure someone knows about it. Unfortunately, minor forms of abuse can escalate into something more serious over time.

10. Incivility

Incivility is a wide term that includes a range of behaviors you'd typically call 'rude.'

This includes making insulting or demeaning comments, joking about someone at their expense, being distracting or inappropriate, or being rude to someone.

Saying nasty things to someone or about them certainly counts. As does being impolite during social interactions or even backhanded compliments.

As you'll see from our article on workplace incivility, it can lead to worse outcomes —unwanted physical contact, aggression, threatening behavior, and more.

So, treat incivility as an indicator of potential trouble in the future and deal with it early on.

What are your toxic traits: self-evaluation tools

Identifying toxic traits requires emotional intelligence and an objective self-assessment. While personal biases can cloud judgment, repeated negative behaviors over time are indicative of toxic traits in yourself and others.

Self-awareness is key to identifying toxic traits in oneself. However, you can build skills that empower you to have healthy relationships with others and improve your emotional intelligence.

💪 Marlee's motivational analysis gives you a clear understanding of your strengths and areas of improvement. Answer our evidence-based questions on what motivates you and receive instant results to improve your self-awareness. By understanding your 48 motivational traits, you'll gain insight into what makes you unique.

🤝 Invite your partner, colleagues, or team to answer questions about what motivates them. Marlee's instant insights can help you build stronger connections. For example, you can ask Marlee, "How can I provide negative feedback to Jamie?" 

An AI coaching plan for toxic traits

Marlee's collaboration and performance AI was developed by pioneering coach, Michelle Duval, and is backed by more than 20 years of research. With Marlee, you can set personal goals, and Marlee will provide instant insights and coaching recommendations to ensure your success.

If your toxic traits come from relationship or communication issues, try our Increase EQ coaching program. It will boost your emotional intelligence, helping you express yourself better and understand others' feelings more easily.

When toxic traits, like constant negativity, come from low self-confidence, our Personal Power coaching program can help. You'll learn to stand up for yourself, stop negative self-talk, and be competitive in a healthy way without becoming more toxic.

Marlee's coaching programs only take two sessions each week, each lasting 5-15 minutes. After eight weeks, you'll have a new toolkit to face your life challenges and develop healthier relationships.

Start by answering questions about what motivates you. You'll gain instant access to your traits, allowing you to gain a deeper understanding of yourself. Then, create a goal and start one of our free coaching programs so you can say goodbye to difficult personality traits and hurtful behaviors.

How to deal with a toxic relationship

Here are some of the most reliable methods when dealing with a toxic relationship:

• Empathy
• Communication
• Set boundaries
• Limit interactions
• Don't take it personally
• Consider ending the relationship

A step-by-step guide to managing a toxic relationship:

1. Use empathy: Try understanding why the person behaves that way. Something in their personal life might be causing them stress, and this difficult time might be impacting their behavior. A bit of empathy could go a long way.

2. Improve communication: Try to communicate openly and honestly with them. This won't always be possible or desirable, but it's worth a shot. Again, it could give you an insight into why they're acting that way and might help you build a useful connection with them.

3. Set boundaries: It's also important to set personal boundaries with a toxic person. If they constantly interrupt you or cross your boundaries, let them know calmly and assertively what behavior is acceptable and what isn't.

4. Limit your interactions: If that doesn't work, you can limit your interactions with them as much as possible. The less you're exposed to their toxic ways, the better.

5. Don't take it personally: It's easier said than done, but try not to take it personally. This person's behavior says more about them than you. If you can navigate a difficult encounter with dignity and without getting upset, you'll come out of it in a better position.

6. End the relationship: If the situation is really bad, you might have to consider ending the current relationship. Nothing is worth sacrificing your well-being or mental health. You might even seek support from a mental health professional.

Most of us have had encounters with toxic people. And if you haven't, then chances are you'll encounter toxic relationships from time to time. This can manifest in all sorts of poor interpersonal conduct. 

Dealing with a toxic person can be draining and frustrating, but these steps can make the situation better.

How can I prevent my own toxic traits from affecting my relationships?

To prevent your own toxic traits, you must acknowledge them. Be honest about your shortcomings, seek feedback from others, and consciously work to change negative behaviors. Consider coaching programs that target specific traits you want to improve.

Can toxic traits change over time?

Yes, toxic traits can change with self-awareness, effort, and a willingness to improve.

If you're worried about your own toxic traits, don't worry - we all have them to some extent. The key is to be aware of them and ensure they're not running the show.

The first step is acknowledging that you might have some of these tendencies. If you're in denial about your personality traits, then there's no way you can change. So take a good hard look at yourself, and try to be honest about where to improve.

It might even be worth asking a friend or coworker about it. Once you've done that, start making an effort to act differently. If you find yourself being passive-aggressive, start communicating openly and honestly instead. If you tend to tear people down, start practicing constructive criticism instead. It might not be easy at first, but stick at it.

People can learn healthier ways of interacting and develop more positive behaviors. For personalized advice and support, consider seeking help from mental health professionals or coaches specializing in behavior change and relationship dynamics.

You may well find that new friends enter your life, new opportunities open up, and better things happen around you.