Shut down a passive aggressive coworker with 5 proven steps

What is passive-aggressive behavior?

Think of passive-aggressive behavior as the ninja of negativity—it's all about expressing frustration in sneaky, indirect ways.¹ Instead of saying "Hey, I'm upset about this," your coworker might give you the silent treatment, make subtle digs, or conveniently "forget" important deadlines. It's like they're playing emotional hide-and-seek, but nobody's having fun.

Signs of a passive-aggressive coworker

Ever feel like you're stuck in a workplace mystery where nothing is quite what it seems? Let's decode those confusing signals that make you question whether you're dealing with passive-aggressive behavior (or just having an off day). While we can't read minds, here are some classic red flags that suggest you're not just being paranoid:

• They're all smiles to your face but playing a different game behind your back (hello, office grapevine!)
• Their words say, "Sure, no problem!" but their eye rolls and heavy sighs tell a whole different story
• They're secretly sabotaging your success with "forgotten" emails and conveniently missed deadlines
• When you try to clear the air? They hit you with the classic "I don't know what you're talking about" routine

How to deal with a passive-aggressive coworker

So you've spotted those telltale signs, and you're thinking, "Yep, I've got a passive-aggressive coworker on my hands." Don't worry—let's break down why this happens and what you can do about it.

1. Get into their headspace (yes, really): Understand why people act passive-aggressively

Here's the thing about passive-aggressive behavior—it's usually just the tip of the iceberg. Below the surface, there's always a story, and understanding it is your first step to handling the situation like a pro.

Think of passive aggression as anger's sneaky cousin. When people don't feel safe expressing their feelings directly¹ (maybe they learned this from family, or maybe it's just become their go-to strategy), they find these roundabout ways to get their point across.

There are usually two main reasons why your coworker might be playing this game:

• The Strategic Player: They've learned that indirect tactics help them get what they want (whether they realize they're doing it or not)
• The Conflict Avoider: They genuinely believe they're keeping the peace by not being direct (plot twist: they're actually creating more tension)

Here's something interesting: this behavior might not be just about you and your coworker. Sometimes it's a symptom of bigger workplace issues:

• A company culture where people don't feel safe speaking up
• Low engagement (what experts call being "actively disengaged"²—basically, employees who are unhappy enough to potentially sabotage their workplace)
• A widespread communication problem (fun fact: in a global survey, over 25% of workers said their entire organization ran on passive-aggressive behavior³)

The good news? Understanding is half the battle. Once you recognize what's driving this behavior, you can start working on solutions that actually stick.

Want to take it a step further? Marlee can help you decode your workplace dynamics. By understanding your own communication style and learning about what makes your coworkers tick, you can build better relationships—even with that passive-aggressive colleague who's driving you nuts. Start by answering questions on what motivates you.

👉 Learn how to create a team workspace

A Marlee team board showing similarities and differences in work styles

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2. Keep your cool (even when they don't)

Look, when someone's giving you the silent treatment or dropping those subtle digs, your first instinct might be to serve it right back—or maybe even call them out in front of everyone. Deep breaths! ❤️

Here's the thing: playing their game only turns your workplace into a passive-aggressive ping-pong match. And if they're using these tactics to get what they want? Giving in just teaches them that their strategy works (oops!).

Even if they think they're avoiding drama by being indirect, they're actually creating more of it. Like that saying about sweeping things under the rug—eventually, you're going to trip over that bump.

Ready for a better way to handle it? Let's talk about what to do instead...

3. Show them there's a better way (hint: it's called being direct)

Ready to break through that wall of weird vibes? Time to show your passive-aggressive coworker what healthy communication looks like. By doing this, your coworker will see that expressing their feelings directly is safe and effective.

Here's your game plan for having that conversation:

• Speak to them privately. No one likes to be called out in front of people, especially for difficult conversations. Your coworker will feel more at ease in a one-on-one setting.
• Give concrete examples. Instead of saying, "You're always like this," point to actual examples of the behavior you've witnessed in them and tell them how you interpreted it. Leave out accusatory language, and do not label them or their behavior as "passive-aggressive." That term will only put them on the defensive.
• Ask them direct questions. Open the door for honest conversation. They might surprise you with what's actually bugging them.

Here's what it sounds like in action:

"Hey Sarah, can we chat for a minute? I noticed you've missed our last three project check-ins, and yesterday you left when Carol was presenting her ideas over lunch. I might be reading this wrong, but it feels like something about this project isn't sitting right with you. I know it wasn't your first choice of direction. What are your thoughts on how it's going?"

If they pull the "everything's fine" card (spoiler: it probably isn't), give them space but stay specific:

"Okay, but could you help me understand why you left during Carol's presentation?"

Wrap it up by making it safe to be honest:

"Thanks for talking this through with me. I really want to hear what you think—even if it's not all sunshine and rainbows. We're in this together, and your perspective matters."

4. Set clear boundaries (because enough is enough)

Look, sometimes the passive-aggressive behavior keeps rolling in even after a private conversation. When that happens, it's time to be crystal clear about what's not working and how it's impacting team productivity.

Here's what to do when you've tried playing nice:

• Have one more direct conversation, but this time, lay out specific examples of how their behavior is affecting the team's success. Skip the sugar coating—be clear about what needs to change and what happens if it doesn't.
• If nothing improves, it's perfectly okay (and honestly, pretty smart) to create some professional distance. This might mean limiting your collaboration on projects when possible.
• Still getting nowhere? It's time to loop in your manager or get a second opinion from a senior colleague, your people team, or a mentor. You've done your part to address it professionally.

Remember: setting boundaries isn't mean, it's necessary. You've got important work to do, and you can't let someone else's communication issues derail your success.

5. Put yourself first (because your well-being matters)

Let's be real—dealing with passive-aggressive behavior can feel like emotional quicksand. Once you've set those professional boundaries, it's time to focus on keeping your energy tank full and taking care of your mental health.

Here's how to protect your peace:

• Find a safe space to vent. Skip the office gossip chain (trust us on this one) and talk to someone completely removed from your workplace. A partner or friend who won't run into your coworker at the coffee machine is perfect.
• Create a work-free zone. When you clock out, actually clock out. Hit the gym, lose yourself in your favorite hobby, or have a dance party in your kitchen—whatever helps you shake off the office drama and reconnect with your happy place.
• Consider professional support. Sometimes you need an expert in your corner. Whether it's tapping into your company's EAP for counseling or working with a therapist who can help you navigate tricky workplace dynamics, there's no shame in getting back up.
• Level up with a coach. Having trouble setting boundaries? Feeling stuck in reaction mode? A coach can help you develop strategies that work for you, keeping you focused on your goals instead of getting tangled in office politics.

Remember: Taking care of yourself isn't selfish—it's essential. You can't pour from an empty cup, especially when dealing with challenging workplace dynamics.

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Turn passive-aggressive tension into your breakthrough moment

Here's the truth: dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker isn't just about surviving their behavior—it's an opportunity to level up your own communication game. While you can't control their eye rolls and subtle digs, you can control how you respond. Understanding your own communication style, boosting your assertiveness, and developing rock-solid boundaries aren't just solutions to this challenge—they're superpowers that'll serve you throughout your career.

Remember: you've got this, and you've got Marlee in your corner. Ready to transform those workplace challenges into personal growth? Start by understanding your natural communication style, then dive into programs like Personal Power or Vital Wellbeing to build the confidence and resilience you need. Because sometimes the best response to passive-aggressive behavior is becoming an even stronger version of yourself. ⚡

Ready when you are! Start for free with Marlee.✨